Hawaiian Shirts, The Masters, Free Speech, and Other Things You Didn’t Know Were Racist

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Free Beacon

Note: The Washington Free Beacon is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a high-ranking professional racist whose identity has not been verified. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers. 

The New York Times has finally canceled the Hawaiian shirt after learning about its secret connection to racism. It's something experienced racists like myself have known for quite some time, but the media are starting to catch on. CNN, for example, recently published an investigation into "Everyday words and phrases that have racist connotations," which is reasonably accurate. The Masters tournament at Augusta National has nothing to do with being a "master" at golf, if you know what I'm saying.

The same goes for the "master bedroom" in your house. CNN was unable to determine "whether the term is rooted in American slavery on plantations," but I'm here to tell you that all bedrooms are, in fact, racist. In addition to being constructed out of walls—one of the main things we racists like about President Trump—bedrooms are where some of America's most prominent racists have died, leaving behind racist legacies. Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, for example.

Terms such as "blacklist" and "blackball" are obviously racist as well. CNN explains that even though there's no evidence to support this claim, "some argue" that these terms are "subconsciously racialized." Contrary to popular belief, racists are suckers for subtlety, which is why we decided to adopt the "OK" symbol as the modern-day version of the antiquated, ostentatious Nazi salute.

In the interest of public edification, I will utilize my expert perspective to highlight some other seemingly innocuous things that are of great significance to the pro-racism community.