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Today's Toons 4/10/17


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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter T:

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(Thank you, cartoonist Rex May)

 

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

 

The Hollywood Reporter noted conservative complaints about late-night talk show hosts. Their monologue jokes indicate they are left-wing evangelists preaching to the choir. The biggest disaster of the Trump Administration is the number of really funny comics we've lost to political commentary.

 

Mexican cocaine kingpin Juan El Chapo Guzman's defense lawyers protested Friday about jail conditions. He was recently extradited to the U.S. from Mexico. The attorneys are desperately trying to have El Chapo's trial held in Los Angeles, where he can be tried by a jury of his customers.

 

Jerry Brown lobbied newspaper editors hard Thursday to support more tax hikes. Yesterday a new tax added two bucks to every pack of cigarettes, bringing each pack to nearly ten dollars. It's taken thirty years of tax hikes, but California legislators have finally managed to make crack cost effective.

 

Crayola made news Thursday when officials announced that the Dandelion Yellow color will be expelled from the Crayola box of one hundred and twenty-eight colors. The expulsion was foreseeable. Expelling weeds is all part of President Trump's program to Make Crayons Great Again.

 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions caused a media outcry when he declared the U.S. will withhold federal dollars to sanctuary cities for illegal aliens and Muslim refugees. It's insane. If the U.S. vetted refugees as closely as the media vets President Trump, we would all be safer than Switzerland.

 

The Washington Post ran an article on Mike Pence in which the vice president stated he won't dine with a woman unless his wife is present. He also said he won't attend a party where alcohol is served unless his wife is there. Bill Clinton just tweeted that he's ruining the curve for everybody.

 

New York Mayor Bill DeBlasio led the coalition of big city mayors to defy the threat of the loss of federal money for breaking the law and being Sanctuary Cities. The entire controversy begs the question. If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an undocumented withdrawal?

 

President Trump praised Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos for her work to expand charter schools and scrap Common Core. It's tough. Common Core teaches kids that Jack and Jill went up the hill to live in a gated community, and the Three Little Pigs shot and killed an unarmed black man.

 

Joe Biden kicked off the next presidential race by announcing a trip to New Hampshire Monday to get the jump on rivals Hillary, Bernie and Jerry Brown. The four have a combined age of three hundred years. They can't attend memorial services at Arlington Cemetery without being stalked by guys with shovels.

 

The Weather Channel reported winter weather statistics Monday indicating that the South and Eastern Seaboard had a warm winter. The cherry trees blossomed a month early. The Weather Service reported it was so hot in Washington D.C. on Tuesday that Susan Rice was sticking to her story.

 

President Trump sent his son-in-law Jared Kushner on a trip to Iraq Monday to ascertain the endless war involving the Sunnis and Shiites and ISIS, Al Qaeda, Iranian militias and Kurdish separatists. He says he's glad to be there. Iraq is a yoga class compared to Washington D.C. right now.

 

The Comedy Store's forty-fifth anniversary show tonight in Hollywood includes Bill Burr and Yakov Smirnov and me on the line-up. We can't avoid politics. Last week, I helped Yakov punch up a joke and now House Democrats want to remove me from comedy for colluding with the Russians.

 

Democrats pushed for a probe into Russia ties that could jail Republicans Tuesday. The same day, Republicans pushed for a probe into domestic spying that could put Democrats in prison. So the only legislation that both parties will support is a bill calling for stronger laws against prison rape.

 

Russia laughed off charges they rigged the U.S. presidential election last year. Democrats had to cheat Bernie to make sure Hillary got the nod, and the GOP brain trust donated one hundred forty million to make sure Jeb Bush would be the nominee. He ended up at one percent, tied with skim milk.

 

Susan Rice admitted she unmasked Trump campaign officials while National Security Advisor for President Obama. This could get wild. The good news is, Susan Rice immediately got a TV casting offer from Hollywood, the bad news is, it was from the producers of Orange is the New Black.

 

-- Argus Hamilton

 

Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye, as he swam up to the bar to order another Mai Tai.

 

-- Seth Meyers

 

There's drama brewing in Washington because the Senate is about to vote on [supreme Court] nominee Neil Gorsuch. But Democrats aren't going to let Gorsuch get confirmed without a fight. Sure, it's a fight they're going to lose -- but those are the kinds of fights Democrats love.

 

-- Steven Colbert

 

 

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