Let Me Clarify That

[Valin]

The American Spectator:

Larry Thornberry
10/1/10

TAMPA -- I like to include exclusive breaking news with my analysis when possible. In this spirit, my sources within the Charlie Crist for Senate campaign inform me that press secretary Danny Kanner will soon have a new title-- Vice President for Clarifications.

Florida governor Crist (I-Charlie) changes his positions on major issues so often and so rapidly, Kanner's state-of-the-art office must be equipped with a Cray supercomputer, four kinds of slide-rules, Cue cards (for use when Crist is asked about his positions by the media), an entire wall of loose-leaf focus-groups reports, twelve cases of Ginkoba (to help Charlie remember what he said day before yesterday), two Harvard psychologists and a SWAT team of pollsters on speed-dial, a Magic 8-Ball, a wind-sock, and a mood ring.

Excessive you say? Not at all. Young Kanner must help his politically peripatetic candidate remember from day to day what he believes, or, more to the point, what he says he believes. A Herculean task, as Crist has held more positions than you can find in the presidential platforms of both major parties, The Joy of Sex, and the Kama Sutra combined.

(Snip)

[Valin]

From the Comments section....

 

"Booger| 10.1.10 @ 6:21AM

 

From the Desk of Charlie Crist:

 

Dear Voter,

 

I would like to take just a moment of your time to discuss my impending election to the U.S. Senate. I realize that with our current economic malaise, ongoing wars, looming debt crisis and continuing energy issues you have many problems. The Tea-bagger Rubio and the crazy ex-cop Meeks can only look at these problems from one point of view. What you need is a candidate who can see them from all points and address them from all points. You need a Senatorial multi-tool. You need Charlie Crist.

Allow me to explicate: At 9 am I will be a conservative. I will attack spending, champion the unborn and support lower taxes. At noon I will be a moderate, which means I will have to figure out that day what to think. And when 3 pm rolls around I will be a liberal, raising the taxes I lowered earlier in the day, spending the money I saved and aborting the blobs of tissue I previously protected as babies. In other words, I am truly a senator for all voters! No matter what your position on any subject, from Tea-bagger to socialist, you can count on me to be your man at least once a day, every day. Just think about it. No one ever need be upset or disappointed in his vote. You can put your mind at ease knowing I will support you at least once every day.

Do please bear in mind that as my staff tracks the source of incoming campaign donations the amount of time spent at each position may be subject to change. Campaign Charlie multi-tool senator does NOT come with a money-back guarantee for conservatives.

 

Your Future Senator,

 

Charlie Crist