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The Free Press

Nellie Bowles

April 5, 2024


If the Houthis stop bombing, we’ll give them a special present: First, the Houthis were terrorists. Then Biden declared them totally not terrorists. Then they started terrorizing, so Biden declared them terrorists again in January. Now, the Biden administration is hinting that if the Houthis stop hijacking and bombing ships, we’ll stop calling them terrorists. Meanwhile, a reporter for The Intercept, Murtaza Hussain, says it would be wise for Iran to use nuclear weapons against Israel as the war grows: “Wise move for Iran would be to detonate a nuclear weapon at this point. Problem is it will impact their economic ties with Europe and probably also heighten tensions with the Saudis who will threaten to get one too.” Yes, that would be the problem, says Mr. Intercept. Dropping a nuke on Tel Aviv would be the wise move, a win! A no-brainer! The problem would be those annoying Europeans and the effect on the economy.   

In other alarming news from the Middle East, nine men in Yemen have been sentenced by a Houthi court to crucifixion and stoning for the crime of sodomy, according to Human Rights Watch. You read that right. I love our progressive kings! Anti-capitalist hotties, am I right? Stoning is actually making a big comeback. The Taliban officially announced last week that they’d bring back stoning for women in Afghanistan. As the group’s lovely postcolonial leader said: “You may call it a violation of women’s rights when we publicly stone or flog them for committing adultery because they conflict with your democratic principles. [But] I represent Allah, and you represent Satan.” I guess you can’t argue with that bulletproof logic. Obviously there’s no uproar over this, no campus protests (it would be Islamophobic), no marches for Afghani women through America’s streets, since most of the Women’s March leaders kinda sorta like the Taliban vibe (ancient wisdom, anti-imperialism, the Global South speaks, do better). But fundamentally the loser here is the American right, who truly believed the Taliban could be defeated, who fought to send American boys to this godforsaken place to die toppling this godforsaken death cult, only for the death cult to survive and resume doing exactly what it wants to do: live for jihad and keep women as slaves. 


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