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Conservatives, Stop Falling in Love with Politicians


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Kurt Schlichter

May 16, 2022

You gotta hand it to conservatives – we get abused and dumped and generally treated like dishrags, but we never stop falling for the latest politician who is going to sweep us off our feet and make sweet, sweet political love to us. Yet maybe, instead of acting on our infatuations, we should be players instead of getting played. Maybe we should banish the starry-eyed romanticism, stop scratching "Cons + Pol" surrounded by little hearts in our Pee-Chee folders and start, as noted political theorist Sir Mix-A-Lot observed in his renowned treatise "Baby Got Back," to "hit it and quit it." 


The politicians who fail to satisfy us need to do the crying, not the other way around. 

We need to be cads, rogues, heartbreakers. Love and politics mix like Brian Stelter, who is a potato, and gyms. We need to be cold. Ruthless. We need to give them a false name and leave a fake phone number on the nightstand. 

Remember, politicians will always break your heart, so stop having one to break. Understand the essentially transactional nature of our relationship with Republican politicians. They are valuable to the extent that they provide value, and when they stop providing value, we start hitting on their hotter roommate. 


This is about winning. 

And there is a hierarchy of winning. We need to get as high on that hierarchy as we can while still winning:

  1. Radical MAGA King (Think Trump, Ron DeSantis, Mike Lee, Ted Cruz)

  2. Normal Republican (Think Murder Turtle and those interchangeable suits who always vote right)

  3. Annoying RINO (Think Mitt Romney or Lindsey Graham or Oz) 

  4. Jeb! (Please clap)

  5. Annoying (to Democrats) Non-Republican RINO (Think Manchin or Sinema)

  6. Normal Pinko Dem (Think one of the generic Democrat types)

  7. Fake Indian/Squad member (Think full-tilt commie)

It's not about love. It's about victory. It's about getting the most hardcore person you can. Pennsylvania is not as hardcore as we would like. It just isn't. You might be able to nominate a Kathy Barnette because she's ultra-mega MAGA, but the regular voters who have never seen "2000 Mules" are not going to vote for her. They just aren't – and arguing that regular voters will fall for her too because reasons is a symptom of this bizarre conservative tendency to be blinded by love for the conserva-heartthrob du jour.


Comments are as always Enlightening. And as so often the case Miss The Point.


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