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Today's Toons 1/22/18


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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

 

The Hollywood Reporter said Thursday Harvey Weinstein and his wife Georgianna Chapman have reached a final agreement on their divorce settlement. Alfred Hitchcock couldn't make this story up. The one woman who said yes to Harvey Weinstein winds up with half of everything he owns.

 

Congress returned to work last week in Washington D.C. with a full slate of issues to legislate over which there is bitter partisan dispute. There's no longer any middle ground. The latest poll shows that one hundred percent of Americans think fifty percent of Americans have lost their minds.

 

The Motion Picture Academy announced Friday that seventy-two hundred Academy members will vote for Best Picture. The Oscars telecast will air in six weeks. Everyone in Hollywood will be wearing black at the Oscars following Saturday's news that President Trump is in excellent health.

 

President Trump went to Walter Reed Hospital to undergo the traditional presidential physical Friday where doctors went over him and through him all day. They did a lot of digging. After two hours, Trump's proctologist emerged from Central America and stated that everything looks just fine.

 

The Minnesota Vikings had the entire nation talking Monday after their last-second sixty-yard TD pass put them into the NFC Championship in Philadelphia. You can't make it up. President Trump called for more immigrants from Norway and this week the Vikings arrive on the East Coast.

 

Democratic Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois told reports Friday that Trump did indeed call Third World nations such as El Salvador, Haiti and African nations S-holes, but the president denied it. Both men are sticking to their guns. Durbin swears Trump said S-hole, Trump insists he said Chicago.

 

Hawaii's false missile alert and public panic quickly turned into a partisan catfight Monday. It always does. The Democrats said it proves Trump needs to placate North Korea, while Republicans said if you think Hawaii's emergency alert system is bad, you should see their birth certificate system.

 

CNN came under fire Monday for not covering the Hawaii missile attack false alert live and the public panic it was causing. Instead they ran a re-run of an interview with a Trump-bashing author. Trump could discover the cure for cancer and CNN would say he doesn't care about AIDS.

 

Donald Trump was ripped by the media for playing golf on MLK Day Monday. All week long if they weren't calling Trump a racist they were calling him a Nazi. It didn't help Tuesday when the White House physician told reporters that Trump's excellent health was due to his superior genes.

 

Japanese news issued a false alarm of a missile attack from North Korea Tuesday. Hawaii set off an alarm thinking they were being attacked by North Korean missiles last Saturday. President Trump opened the envelope Wednesday and the winner of the Fake News Awards was Kim Jung Un.

 

President Trump released his Fake News Awards to the New York Times, CNN, ABC News, Time and the Washington Post for false stories about him last year for which they had to retract or apologize. The antagonism is real. If Donald Trump walked on water, CNN would say he can't swim.

 

The Detroit Free Press reported a steep drop in Obamacare enrollments in Michigan since the mandate was removed by the tax cuts. They're still having a few technical problems. Last week the Obamacare website routed me to iTunes, and now Hookers and Blow are my primary care providers.

 

-- Argus Hamilton

 

North Korea has announced that it will send a group of citizens called the "cheering squad" to next month's Winter Olympics. And many of them are expected to actually compete in a new event called the "400 Meter Defection."

 

-- Conan

 

 

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