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Today's Toons 3/6/17


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This Thread Brought To You By The Number 0:




In Case You Missed It Dept.:


The New York Post reported that thousands of witches in the United States declared that they would cast a spell on Donald Trump to nullify his election. Their aim was a little off. Instead of changing the winner of the election, the witches accidentally changed the winner for Best Picture.


French nationalist candidate Marine Le Pen's lead in the polls moved French leftists to urge Barack Obama to run for president of France Friday. They have is no birth requirement. The French could elect Barack Obama president, but after a month they will wish the Germans had won.


President Trump is set to roll out his replacement for ObamaCare this week to Congress. He's determined to erase the Obama legacy. President Trump just signed an executive order replacing Michelle Obama's White House vegetable garden with a swimming pool filled with Lay's potato chips.


The White House held an off-camera press gaggle in the press secretary's office Thursday in which the New York Times, Washington Post and CNN were not invited to attend. They were infuriated. If President Trump isn't careful, this could start to have an effect on how they cover him.


The White House announced President Trump won't attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. Five years ago Obama got such big laughs making fun of Trump to his face that Trump decided to run for president. In my work, that's called the tag line being funnier than the punch line.


The Academy Awards will air live from the Nokia Theater on Hollywood Boulevard tonight on ABC. Don't miss the speeches. Every movie star who ever promised to leave America if Trump gets elected will be complaining about people having to leave America now that Trump's been elected.


Jimmy Kimmel will host tonight's Academy Awards show in Hollywood and do his best to keep it moving. They've added a brand-new awards category to add to the nation's suspense. It won't be until the end of the show that the Oscar is given for Worst Attempt at Intellectual Political Statement.


President Trump told CPAC the media tells lies they lay on anonymous sources. Anonymous sources just told me that their anonymous sources were told by anonymous sources that nobody should believe that the mainstream media has anonymous sources. Remember, you heard it here, first.


The Oscars looked hapless Sunday after they spent three hours mocking Trump but couldn't announce the correct Best Picture winner. Democrats immediately accused Russia of hacking into Warren Beatty. They can't believe Putin would do that to the producer, director and star of Reds.


The Academy Awards drew huge ratings for ABC Sunday with Democratic viewers anxious to hear any angry speeches. The optics didn't work with the message. In order to reclaim the working people of America, the Democrats throw an event where millionaires give golden statues to each other.


President Trump enjoyed rave reviews for his disciplined and uplifting speech to Congress. He would read from the left and then ad-lib to the right. The Teleprompter on his left scrolled the text of the speech while the Teleprompter on his right simply said Do NOT Say the Winner is La La Land.


Barack and Michelle Obama signed a His and Hers book deal with Random House publishers Tuesday for sixty million dollars. They may pay much lower taxes now than before. It turns out the people who manipulated the election in favor of Trump were not the Russians, it was the Obamas.


President Trump gave the speech of his life to Congress Tuesday and reset his presidency. He entered the Chamber looking for hands to shake and an hour later he left signing autographs for them. No one has seen anything like it since Elvis Presley's first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.


The Democrats selected Kentucky's former governor Steve Beshear to deliver the Democratic response to the president's speech to Congress. His family owned a Kentucky funeral home and he's a licensed undertaker. Democrats traditionally put undertakers in charge of the voter registration rolls.


The Wall Street Journal reported that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a sixty million dollar His-and-Hers book advance deal with Random House. The Democrats were at a loss for words when they heard the news. Even the Obamas are doing better under President Trump.


President Trump will issue a new order banning people from terror nations amid protests over his orders to build a border wall and repeal Obamacare. Democrats want to impeach him already. It would be the first time in history that a president got impeached for keeping his campaign promises.


President Trump enjoyed rave reviews and national approval for his televised speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday. It prompted even critics to say this was the night he became president. Hillary Clinton saw how the Oscars ended on Sunday night and thought she might still have a chance.


-- Argus Hamilton


I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a great job hosting the Oscars -- congrats to Jimmy, he's always good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of "La La Land" went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture -- then it was announced that they actually lost to "Moonlight." And today, they joined a support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton.


On Friday, CNN, The New York Times, and BuzzFeed were blocked from participating in a media briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it "unacceptable," the Times called it "outrageous," and BuzzFeed called it "one of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind."


It seems like Trump's been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. There's speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, "Actually, I'm canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at China."


-- Jimmy Fallon


President Trump gave his first speech to a joint session of Congress last night, and good news, everybody, he's normal now! So our work here is done. When you tune in tomorrow night, this will be a cooking show.


-- Seth Meyers




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