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Today's Toons 12/26/16


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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

 

A NASA scientist told a geo-physicist convention in California the Earth is due for an extinction-causing event like an asteroid strike. You can sense the danger. CNN reported that the spaceship containing the aliens who rigged the presidential election has just crashed in the New Mexico desert.

 

The FEC reports that Hillary lost Michigan although Detroit turned in more votes on Election Day than there are voters in Detroit. She didn't speak at any UAW union halls in Michigan. It's because Putin hacked Google Maps and changed all the UAW union halls to look like Chick-Fil-As.

 

Donald Trump hosted CEOs of Silicon Valley's high-tech giants at the president-elect's penthouse boardroom in Trump Tower. Present were the heads of Amazon, Apple, Tesla, Google and Facebook. Unfortunately none of them could tell Trump how to log on to Twitter if he'd forgotten his password.

 

President Obama vowed to take action against Russia for hacking into DNC computers during the election to embarrass Hillary. The released e-mails revealed how the Democrats screwed Bernie Sanders out of the nomination. So Russia tried to rig our election by exposing how we rig our election.

 

Donald Trump wrapped up his Thank You Tour in Mobile, Alabama, Saturday where he vowed to halt illegal immigration and build the wall. He's not kidding around. Donald Trump finalized his cabinet picks Monday by appointing Mexico's President Enrique Nino Piete the Minister of De-Fence.

 

Martin Sheen hosted a video of celebrities Thursday who urged GOP Electoral College voters not to vote for Trump when they met Monday. His demeanor was grim and tight-lipped. He's determined to show the entire world that at least one member of the Sheen family can still breathe through his nose.

 

Michelle Obama told Oprah Winfrey Thursday that hope has died in America with the victory by Trump. The effort by the White House to sabotage the upcoming Trump presidency is getting a little ridiculous. This morning the Surgeon General sent Trump a carton of cigarettes for Christmas.

 

Donald Trump will take office on Inauguration Day tasked with keeping his promises to repeal Obamacare, cut business taxes, cut income taxes, build the wall, rebuild the U.S. military and destroying ISIS. That's not the tough part. He has to do it all in one-hundred-forty characters or less.

 

President Obama vowed retaliation on the Russians for hacking into the DNC e-mails and revealing how Hillary's campaign cheated Bernie Sanders out of the nominations. To me, it verifies the Old Testament God. Every time one of the Clintons screws a Jewish person, all hell breaks loose.

 

Hillary Clinton enjoyed a pasta dinner at Rao's Italian restaurant in New York Tuesday. Her appetite is legendary. Even though Hillary lost the swing states, she lost the recount and she lost in the Electoral College, she still has a path to two hundred and seventy, but it's with a knife and fork.

 

FBI Director Jim Comey was blamed for Hillary's defeat because he blasted Hillary for using a private server for U.S. business and for erasing thousands of e-mails. She's still oblivious. Hillary sent out an e-mail Friday inviting you to share classified information with ten friends for good luck.

 

Michael Moore urged progressives to protest on the Mall on Inauguration Day. They'll cool off. For all the people who worry that Democrats will never get over their anger at Donald Trump getting elected president, remember that just a year ago they were just as mad at Chick-Fil-A.

 

Donald Trump was elected president by the Electoral College Monday. It's placed the crow on the endangered species list because Democrats and pundits are eating so much crow it's threatening the bird's population. Thank goodness that someone's doing something to get rid of those noisy crows.

 

Bill Clinton was shown on camera Monday leading New York's slate of faithful electors to the state capitol in Albany to vote for Hillary Clinton. You can't make it up. The year that began with Hillary Clinton being called America's next president is ending with Bill Clinton being called faithful.

 

The United States of America was still standing Monday after the electors in fifty states went to their state capitols and voted for the candidate who won their state's vote. Our latest civil war is finally over. The Electoral College vote on Monday makes it official, Orange Is the New President.

 

Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment after losing Monday. She lost on Election Day, she lost the Wisconsin recount, she lost a bid for a Michigan recount, she lost in the Electoral College. She's still in a tight race, only now it's with the the Cleveland Browns for the first draft pick.

 

Bill Clinton mocked Donald Trump's intelligence during an impromptu press briefing he held Monday. Clinton said that Trump knows nothing, shortly after Hillary's defeat was certified in the Electoral College. Bill sounded like such an angry white man he almost certainly voted for Trump.

 

Hillary Clinton's ally economist Robert Reich was interviewed by MSNBC Wednesday and he urged liberals never to recognize Trump's presidency. He called for street protests every day. To show there are no hard feelings, Donald Trump just named Hillary Clinton as Ambassador to Turkey.

 

Donald Trump in Florida Wednesday negotiated defense contracts with Boeing and Lockheed executives. He stays busy. On the same day he become the first man to pay a twenty-five million dollar settlement for running a fraudulent college, one week after he nominated the Secretary of Education.

 

The Wall Street Journal hailed the Trump Bump Thursday that has shot up stock prices by ten percent since Election Day. The demand for gold suddenly skyrocketed Tuesday, which can only mean one thing. Donald Trump celebrated his Electoral College victory by remodeling his bathroom.

 

President Obama signed an executive order Tuesday banning oil drilling in the Arctic Ocean and in canyons in the Atlantic shelf deep off the Eastern Seaboard. Yeah, right. The executive order signed by President Obama remains in effect forever, and by forever we mean twenty-nine more days.

 

Donald Trump appointed Carl Icahn to reduce government regulations on business. Trump's worth ten billion, Icahn, twenty-two billion and Trump's cabinet is worth fourteen billion. This is the first administration that could balance the federal budget by passing the hat at cabinet meetings.

 

-- Argus Hamilton

 

Today, the Electoral College officially cast its votes for president, and Bill Clinton actually teared up after voting for Hillary, saying that he's never cast a vote he's been prouder of. Then he said, "Except for that wet T-shirt contest I judged in Cancun."

 

Apple's new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they're about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, "Been there."

 

Donald Trump loves Christmas. It's the one time of year where he can say, "Those are real, those are fake," and claim he was talking about Christmas trees.

 

-- Jimmy Fallon

 

John McCain criticized President Obama yesterday and said he "has no strategy and no policy" on dealing with Russia's recent hackings. Oh, he has a strategy all right -- it's called running out the clock.

 

Well, there are only four days until Christmas. So, Hillary, just choose a tree already. You've been in the woods long enough. Choose a tree and come home, Hillary.

 

-- Seth Meyers

 

Donald Trump is saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays." Donald Trump said he's a fan of Jesus because "I like guys who inherit their dad's business and then think they're God."

 

Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn't call Bill Clinton, but instead, "Bill Clinton called me." Bill Clinton said, "Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone."

 

-- Conan

 

 

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(Thank you, TheOldLady)

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