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Today's Toons 12/5/16


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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:

 

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

 

TV Guide reported SyFy Channel will run all one-hundred sixty episodes of the Twilight Zone during the New Year's weekend. It's famous for its bizarre plots based on science, superstition and identity loss. My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where Donald Trump gets elected president.

 

Donald Trump issued a holiday video to try to calm the Democratic Party hysteria about his pending presidency. He's getting no help. Last week, President Obama gave out twenty-one Presidential Medals of Freedom to Hollywood celebrities and then offered to help them escape on the Underground Railroad.

 

Donald Trump named Amway heiress Betsy DeVos to be Secretary of Education Wednesday who is in favor of charter schools. Her family's yacht is nine hundred feet long. It will give Betsy a safe place to stay in Los Angeles when she orders the schools to reinstate the Pledge of Allegiance.

 

Fidel Castro died Friday fifty-seven years after he led a communist revolution in Cuba which seized private property and nationalized U.S. businesses. It had to be a bitter end for the longtime dictator. Fidel Castro spent his entire life trying to overthrow capitalism, and he died on Black Friday.

 

Fidel Castro's death Friday set off jubilation in Miami's Little Havana district lasting into the morning. The eulogies were predictable. President Obama offered the Cuban people our prayers after Castro's death, Trump called Castro a brutal dictator, and Bill Clinton said this calls for a cigar.

 

Fidel Castro spent his last ten years writing a column for Havana's newspaper. He was always an active observer of U.S. politics. Just month ago Fidel confidently assured his readers he would walk into hell if Donald Trump was elected president, so if nothing else Castro was a man of his word.

 

Cubans expressed the hope that Castro's death would free up the economy and human rights on the island. Many years ago, Castro visited a fortune teller who told him he'd die on a Cuban holiday. When Castro demanded to know which one, she said any day he dies will be a Cuban holiday.

 

The Clinton Foundation offered a Black Friday sale on reduced speaking fees and personal appearance fees for Bill and Hillary. The good news is, there was a line outside the door over a block long full of kings, sultans, union bosses and CEOs. The bad news is, it was the line for refunds.

 

Donald Trump called Fidel Castro a brutal dictator who enslaved Cubans for six decades. He said Castro's death brings hope that freedom will soon come to the island. The difference between Fidel Castro and Donald Trump is that people really left the country when Castro became president.

 

California activists circulated a petition calling for California to secede from the U.S. to protest against Trump mission to deport illegals who work in the fields, on the lawns and in the homes for low wages. You can't make it up. Californians are considering secession so they can keep their slaves.

 

Florence Henderson's death just added to all the stars lost this year including Bowie, Prince, Shandling, Muhammed Ali and Gene Wilder. It's been a rough year for celebrities. Not for the ones who've died, but for all the rest who have to explain why they're not moving to Canada as promised.

 

Fox News reported Monday Donald Trump disappointed a lot of Americans when he declared he will not prosecute Hillary Clinton over her e-mails and fundraising shenanigans. He said he's decided not to try to throw Hillary in prison. This breaks a campaign promise he made to Bill Clinton.

 

Donald Trump was reported Tuesday still considering water-boarding terror suspects for their attack plans or intelligence despite U.S. military opposition to using it. Trump promised if we decide to employ it, it's going to be the best water-boarding in American history. We're going to use Perrier.

 

NBC introduced Arnold Schwarzenegger as host of Celebrity Apprentice to affiliate TV station owners visiting the Burbank studios. It was shrewd casting. NBC executives say they realize the mistake they made last time and this time they've chosen a host who isn't eligible to run for president.

 

The San Francisco 49ers will play the Chicago Bears at Soldiers Field in Chicago Sunday. All eyes will be on the sideline before the football game gets started. It's rumored that the Chicago Bears will play the Cuban National Anthem in an effort to get Colin Kaepernick to stand at attention.

 

The White House will send a low-level delegation to Fidel Castro's funeral Friday. His legacy has triggered immense controversy. San Francisco 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick praised Fidel Castro as a great humanitarian Monday, automatically triggering the NFLs concussion protocol.

 

The Hillary Clinton campaign joined Jill Stein's recount effort in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania. It's pretty cheeky after Trump said he wouldn't prosecute her. Now Republicans cannot wait to see which character Hillary will play in the next season of Orange is the New Black.

 

Dallas prosecutors filed charges against a man for using Twitter to harass and intimidate and stalk anyone he doesn't like and everyone who has criticized him. He's says it's just a character he plays, and that it's not really him. If convicted he could get four-to-eight years in the White House.

 

-- Argus Hamilton

 

Trump went on Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing. Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged.

 

-- Jimmy Fallon

 

Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey, you promised."

 

Donald Trump is giving key positions in his cabinet to people who were loyal to him early on. So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio!

 

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, "Don't I get credit for anything?"

 

Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is.

 

Mitt Romney is being mocked by many Republicans for going to a fancy French dinner with Donald Trump. It's also not helping that afterwards, Romney let Trump get to third base.

 

-- Conan

 

Yesterday Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at Jean-Georges French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says "man of the people" like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself.

 

If you are wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and self-esteem.

 

-- James Corden

 

 

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